Along 4 The Ride

Winter has finally arrived:

Now the unanimous opinion in the household is that Christmas can come, because there is snow on the ground.  Oldest asked what would happen if it never snowed this winter.  I responded with a question, which noone enjoys as an answer.  My question to him was, “Well, what would happen if it didn’t snow”?  To which he replied, “There wouldn’t be any snow”.  Ok, so there you have it.  Not a world ending scenario, right.

However, while I appreciate the absolute beauty of the snow, I dread what it does to my garage:

Fortunately, it is only temporary and before we all know it we’ll be sweating our tooshies off in the dry, summer heat.  Right?

These are Baby’s friends and he insists on sleeping with them surrounding him at naptime and bedtime.  They rotate turns at his head and feet and on either side of him.   Some are new, some have been around for many, many years.

 It dawned on me recently how this sweet image parallels my experiences with my friends.  Some take a turn very close to me, speaking words of encouragement, wisdom or correction into my ears while the others take their turn at my feet, if you will, by offering to help out with errands or something of that nature.   See, all of these ‘friends’ are in close proximity to Baby at all times, because he is still in the confined space of his crib.

In my life, my friends are always near me, usually just a phone call or drive away.  My life isn’t as confined as Baby’s but I know that even in times of absence my loved ones, friends, are just as close as his.  I need my friends as Baby needs his.  I love my friends as Baby loves his.  I am so grateful for ALL of my friends as Baby will be one day, the friends he makes as he grows in life. 

It’s good to be back, I’ve been away for just a little while.

I’ve been away for awhile playing around on Facebook but I’ve come back to my precious blog.

One thing people learn about me pretty early on in a relationship is that I am a person that has to know why things happen the way they do.  I overthink everything on a regular basis always trying to find a different angle on a situation I’m involved in.  It drives Husband crazy because he is the complete opposite of me in this particular area.  I’m sure it drives lots of you crazy, but you all love me too much to slap me out of it.

Anyway, after a very difficult and emotionally draining 5 hours with my mom today, I learned a very important lesson.  The only reason I search so desperately for answers to the questions in my life is because I am secretly wanting to blame someone or something.  Sounds quite simple right, but after this discussion with my mother, during which she blamed me for the pain SHE felt every time I made a mistake in my young life and for her feelings of inadequacy as a maternal figure, it hit me so profoundly.  She is a blamer and it’s easier for her to find a target rather than to look in the mirror and make a change.  This has affected my parenting and marriage on so many levels I can’t even begin to list.

So, what will I do with this powerful revelation…..make some important changes.  First, I will make it a point to apologize to my children when I’ve lost my mind and yelled at them instead of just letting it slide.  Sometimes we are so busy going from one place to the next that it just slips my mind, how terrible huh?  I will also admit to them that even though I’m an adult I make mistakes in my parenting choices.  Second, and most difficult will be to stop trying to figure out why things are the way they are and just live in the moment.  Change what I can about the day before me.  No more trying to place blame so that I don’t have to face my own music.

I don’t ever want my children to feel the way I have felt most of my life.

Just when we’re replenishing the savings account from the last money-sucking series of events, read about THAT here cha-ching, I run over a large, sharp rock protruding from the makeshift road that leads to the race venue.  I didn’t think at the time to snap a photo of what the tire looked like all deflated and sad but here’s a picture of what I have on there NOW:

Isn’t it an eyesore?  But, because I have an earth destroying V8 SUV, I had a regular tire as a spare, not those tiny little round things, they call tires,  normal cars get to wear around.  Lucky me.

Bad news is that… now we not only need to replace this ugly thing, but both front tires.  Add on an extra ?$ for the pressure sensor system thing in each tire.

The fact that this giant rocked jumped right up out of the ground at my tire was of no consollation to Husband.  He had just finished racing his bike throughout the night and the last thing he wanted to do was fix my mistake.  Since we had to get home, he conceeded to making the repair.

Husband had decided to upgrade his ATV before we left and had it for sale.  A week before our trip someone came and bought it giving us extra $$ to spend frivolously on many amenities for our trip.  One, being my very own potty chair and tent.  A must have for a girl that refuses to use a port-a-john.   Upon our return we had a buyer interested in our old trailer, Husband found a bigger, better trailer, so Husband hooked it up to take to the prospective buyer.  Well, the da#% thing blew a tire on the highway and detatched from the truck which resulted in the complete and total obliteration of the trailer all over the highway.  There went $150.

I think the lesson for me in all of this is to take one step at a time.  Be persistent in the goals we set for our finances and not get so discouraged when we have to take a few steps back, or 3 or 4 or…

throughout our lives we will experience at least one life changing moment.  some, many more.  for me, one of mine came last night while attending a memorial service for a friend’s little boy.  i’ve been spared the pain and grief of loss in my life and this was only the second service i’ve attended.

the time came to say the final “good-byes” to the sweet little boy that left this earth last sunday morning and the first person to the casket was his mother.  the gut wrenching sadness i felt for her consumed me and it was all i could do to stay composed.  i’ve never winessed a scene like this before and the memory of it will be forever burned in my heart and mind.  she lingered, staring, caressing, crying, at the side of her little boy for sooo long.  how can you decide when you’ve said i love you or goodbye enough? 

i couldn’t help but think of my son’s birth mother and wonder if she ever feels as though her little boy is gone forever.  does she know he’s still alive and well, not today, since i haven’t spoken with her in months.  see, this young mother of the deceased boy had some rough patches early on in her young adult life and her son’s special needs made it more difficult to care for him.  my dear friend, the boys’ grandmother, stepped in and adopted him into her family. 

 i saw and assumed some parallels between the young, grieving mother and my son’s birth mother.  my hear ached for her again, as it does occasionally, and the loss she might feel for her firstborn.   some say i punish myself by giving her too much credit in thinking that she could actually miss him and think of him.  i choose to give her the benefit of the dout.  as a mother, i don’t think you can ever forget the experience of carrying a child and giving birth to him, nursing him at your breast, at 18, all the while knowing that the decisions you’ve made resulted in his permanent removal from your life.  she did the best job she knew how and i grieve for her today.

rachel, i love you and so does our son

Conversation with Middle about the dropping gas prices.

Me: ” Oh my goodness, gas went down to 3.29 a gallon”, somewhat muffled.

Middle: “Huh, Mom?”

Me: Repeated my statement

Middle: ” Well, yah, it’s because it’s winter”.

Me:  Stifled laugh, ” What do you mean?”

Middle:  “Well, cars need more gas to drive through the snow, so the gas is cheaper”.

Okay, it’s that easy to explain the falling gas prices, right.  Gotta love the simplicity of little children.

This is the scene in our kitchen after I prepare and we devour lunch:

At least I have nice cookware, right?  Ugh, this gets old sometimes.  I have taught the kids to cook a few meals but they just aren’t as efficient as I in the cleanup process.  Fortunately, it only takes me about 45 minutes to achieve this:

It’s ok to be envious.  I know you all secretly want to be me!!   

It’s my life, day in and day out.

Ok, so I forgot to say “we’re leeeaavvvinng”!  We went to Moab for a few days so Husband and the boys could raft on the Colorado and also for Husband to ride in the 24hrs of Moab mountain bike race.  Both went very well.  Our only nemesis the entire time was the wind.  Ugh, the wind!!  It blew so hard for so long, it was quite unbearable.  I’ll post what few pictures I took as soon as I find my camera.  So long for now.

Well, the racing season is officially over!!! BIG SIGH. Don’t have to worry about ER visits, training rides, or schedule conflicts anymore. Well, at least for a few months. Now Husband settles into the miserable routine of riding The Bike in the garage.  Well, that doesn’t officially start until the cold, cold weather invades.  

It was a good season for him.  No crashes or visits to the ER.  None of his teammates were seriously injured and most did very well for themselves. I will miss the sexy black and red spandex, he wears old stuff to ride in during the winter, but it will return again next year.

Can you believe this year is almost over? Where does time go?

watch?v=oIcFgl6zf3A

Only my bad day included children and a husband.

I did crack a smile toward the end, when they were taking turns with the billboard. If only we could change the course of our day with a marker.

P.S. I’m still learning…I don’t know how to post a video that you just click on “play” to watch.